Eggsterminate
by DoctorWhodunit
Summary: Natsu's dorkiness strikes again, a handful of eggs leads to a not-so-classic lovers quarrel! Oneshot.


Lucy woke up to the sound of a running microwave. At five in the morning. Needless to say, it was not what a Sunday morning was supposed to be like. She stuck her hands to her ears so she could muffle the sound of the microwave, rolled on the other side of the bed and laid on her belly.

"Hihi, pancake boobies," she whispered. She laughed at her own joke. "Sigh, I really need some sleep."

Used to the sound of the microwave, she stuck her hands out of her ears and attempted to go back to sleep.

 **Beep! Beep! Beep! Beep!**

Her attempt was interrupted by the strident noises of the microwaves that were made when it stopped heating whatever was inside it.

"Uuugh." This was the only audible sound she could make as she almost rolled all the way down her bed. She managed to put her slippers on and stand up without groggily knocking her nightstand over. "Who the hell could that be?" She grumbled. A second later, she made a mental note to facepalm herself when she will be able to look at anything without her vision being obstructed by her eyelashes. _Who the hell could that be? Well, Natsu, obviously. Or a burglar. A burglar in great need of food. A burglar in great need of food who couldn't settle for snacks or other stuffs that don't need a microwave._ She really needed to sleep.

Without bothering putting on a nightgown, she left the room in her white and pink underwear ensemble and trudged down the stairs. She walked to the kitchen as she rubbed her eyes and blinked a few times at high speed, she always used this pattern to wake herself up.

She entered the kitchen and set her 75% woken up eyes on her topless husband, only wearing his bright red underwear.

"What the hell are you eating at five in the morning?"

Natsu yawned and snapped his fingers in direction of the table right next to him. Her fingers tensed, her heart skipped a beat and her eyes widened in panic when she saw a plate with four eggs with intact shells on it.

"Did you just reheat those eggs!?"

"Yeah, sorry, I didn't sleep w-"

"Natsu," she shrieked, "get down now!" Lucy kicked her slippers off and dashed towards him, not paying attention to his horrified face.

"Wha- What are you doing? What's happening? Are we under attack!? Who's here!?" He growled, looking in all directions in order to eliminate any direct threat.

"Just get down already!"

She knew he wouldn't listen if he didn't understand why he had to do it so she threw her arms out and jumped on him the way an amateur swimmer would dive in a pool for the first time. Her arms wrapped themselves around his neck and the force applied to her jump made him trip over his own foot.

"Luc-"

Natsu fell over backwards and his first reflex was to hold Lucy's head close to his chest so she couldn't hurt herself on their tragic way to the floor. The thought of shielding her was so strong that he forgot to protect himself and hit the back of his head at the bottom of the front door of the dishwasher.

"Ouch, damn, that one hurt," Natsu moaned. He released the grip he had on Lucy's head and scratched the back of his own. When he opened his eyes, he realized that Lucy's voluptuous and almost topless figure was straddling him, with her hands on his shoulders and her eyes set on his.

He smirked. "Looks like someone's fired up" he said, pulling her bra strap with his forefinger.

She moved his hand away with a swift backhand slap. "It's not that, it's just that y-"

 **Bang!**

"What was that!?" Natsu grunted. "A gunshot!?"

Lucy sighed in relief. "Calm down, Natsu, everything's fine now," she reassured.

"Huh?"

"When you reheat a previously boiled egg with an intact shell in the microwave," she started, looking like the stereotype of the hot physics teacher on top of him, "pressure builds up inside, which gives high chances for the egg to explode after contact with anything solid like a spoon or your teeth. Even if you don't touch it, there's still a chance it might explode after a few seconds, like what just happened."

Natsu's mouth opened wide only to almost close itself a few seconds later, giving away a sheepish smile followed by one sound, "Oh."

Lucy sighed, this time, out of annoyance. She pushed on Natsu's shoulders and stood up next to his body. He watched her look around the kitchen and bury her face in her hand.

"Get up and see for yourself," she commanded, looking down at him.

Natsu rubbed the back of his head as he got up on his feet. He scanned the walls and different pieces of furniture, he thought the scene was worthy of a battlefield at the end of a paintball war. White and yellow were splashed all around the kitchen, the casualties were innumerable, chairs, table, washing machine, walls... the casualties were in fact numerable, but it was filthy nonetheless.

"Look at this mess," Lucy sighed.

Natsu tried to lighten up the situation and laughed. "Yeah, it looks like you when I-"

"Do not!" She shrieked. "Don't say that out loud, you can't just say that out loud, you don't have the right to say that out loud!"

"It's not like anyone can hear us," he muttered.

"Yeah, but it- Anyway! Look at the mess you've made," she scolded, "I'm not going to clean everything up! Why did you have to eat four eggs at five in the morning anyway!?"

"C'mon you don't have to get angry, I didn't know eggs could explode like that, it's not my fault, it's not like I did it on purpose or something," he argued.

"Yes, it is. You did something bad, whether you did it on purpose or not doesn't matter, it's still your fault," she countered.

"W-w-well, y-you did something bad too," he stuttered, "the back of my head knocked on the door of the dishwasher when you jumped on me. It hurt a lot," he said, nodding at his own argument.

"I saved you from a bunch of exploding eggs!" She argued. "Okay, that didn't sound as heroic as I intended it to be," she muttered, "but my point still stands!"

"Yeah? Well, it hurt," Natsu said. He paused for a few seconds, clenched his fist and looked at her dead in the eye. "You know? I used to love you because you made all the pain go away, then you became the pain itself," he said, disappointed.

Lucy froze. _What was he going on about about?_

"Yes, Lucy," he insisted, "I've been meaning to tell you for a while."

Something hit Lucy and it made her roll her eyes. "Pissed off" could have been written on her forehead and it would have been an accurate description of her facial expression. "Are we really doing this?"

Natsu smacked his fist on the table. "Yes! We are! This is a conversation that was meant to happen at one point or another," he shouted, wrathful. "Want me to repeat? I said I used to love you because you made all the pain go away, then you became the pain itself!"

"How dare you say that about me!?" she shouted back, "I did everything I could for you, I gave you everything I owned, including my love and my body. I put everything at your feet, for I thought you were the only one, but what do you do? You stomp and spit on everything!? How can you do such a thing!?" She inquired, as she put both of her hands on his bare shoulders.

Natsu eyed her hands with disgust and knocked them away with a wide and exaggerated move of his arm. "O-oh, y-you do not have the right to bring that on the table ever again! I always stood by you, in illness, in passing, and even when you had those love affairs! I gave you everything even when I knew you weren't mine anymore, and you just made fun of me behind my back..."

"You... You knew about the other men..." She moaned in despair and almost let herself fall to the floor, but was instead backed up by the wall right behind her. She raised the back of her hand to her forehead and shut her eyes as if she was in agony. "Oh, Lord, please, have mercy on my soul! Forgive me, for I have sinned!" She cried. "I feel like a traitor, the mere reflection of a cracked mirror..."

"Oh, you w-wench! I am not g-going to... uhm... shit... I am not going to..."

"I am not going to concede to your pitiful act," she whispered.

"Yeah! I am not g- Hey, wait a minute, you can't just tell me what my lines are," he protested.

"Well, it's not my fault if you don't remember them," she answered simply.

They stared at each other for ten full seconds before Natsu bursted into laughter, unable to hold it in any longer. Natsu's laugh was contagious, and Lucy did not have the choice but to laugh along with him.

After a few seconds, she took a deep breath and regained her composure. "Wow, I didn't think you had that in you, you're a good actor," she said.

"What can you do? I'm a natural," he boasted.

"You wish," she snapped.

Natsu grinned and blew a raspeberry.

"You're not getting away with this though," she said with a smile.

"Eh?"

"You read it, right?" She rhetorically asked, with a threatening glow in her eyes.

"I-it was just a page," he stuttered, "I didn't read more than that, I swear!"

"You still read it. You read a part of the draft of the outline of a new play I'm writing! I told you that you can't read the things that I write, only Levy can read the things I write first, it's a rule we set a long time ago," she scolded.

"Ahah! Draft! You said it! It's just a draft! It shouldn't matter!" He looked at her and knew what he said was a mistake. "Should it?" He asked with a sheepish smile.

Lucy sighed and gave him an understanding lopsided smile. "Long story short, an outline is basically a way of throwing your thoughts and ideas for the piece you're writing in an organized way. Well, I say organized, kinda organized. Okay, not really organized. At least I know mine aren't organized," she chortled, "it's just a bunch of dialogue and narration and plot points put together in order... kinda. It wouldn't make much sense to anybody reading it but it does to me, it's often clear in my head," she explained. She looked at Natsu's face and saw that he was interested in what she was saying but was still dreading the end of it, it made her smile. "But anyway, it was just a page of a draft, I guess I can let it slide," she concluded.

Natsu was holding his breath almost the whole time and sighed in relief at the sound of that. Lucy smiled at him and looked away to glance at the microwave.

She sighed. "Look at the time, we should go to bed," she suggested.

Just looking at the time made them yawn, it shouldn't be allowed to be awake at this time on a Sunday.

"Yeah, you're right," Natsu agreed, rubbing his eyes and the rest of his face.

As she was about to turn around and head upstairs, she remembered the question she wanted to ask at the very beginning.

"Hey, Natsu, why were already up at five in the morning? On a Sunday?"

Natsu blinked. "Oh, that? Just, y'know, just a bad dream, nothin' to worry about," he reassured.

Her eyes widened in worry, dreams were important in this household. "Oh, I'm so sorry, what kind of bad dream?"

"You weren't in it," he said simply. "You're usually a part of any dream I have and you weren't in it tonight, felt weird, so I just thought I'd eat something."

If her eyes could sparkle, they would have at this moment. She couldn't believe he had said that so casually, it didn't make him feel weird or a bit embarrassed to say that, it was so natural. A melancholic smile bloomed on her face, _after all, he was always like that_. Natsu blinked at her again.

"You okay? Something wrong?"

"Oh, yeah, I'm okay," she chortled, "I'm feeling great," she cheered, giving him the most delightful toothy smile Natsu received this morning.

Lucy turned her whole body around and bent over to pick up the slippers that got kicked off under the pantry. Behind her, Natsu couldn't look away from her sensuous body, especially from her perfectly shaped and voluptuous bare butt cheeks that were in front of him, Lucy knew how much of an effect she had on him whenever she bent over.

She smirked and put her slippers on. "Here's the plan. We'll clean up this mess later. I think some parts of an egg splashed my hair so I'm gonna take a shower and you're gonna go in our room. When I'm done," she turned around, headed to the stairs and smirked, "I will do everything in my power to make you dream of me. Everything."

"And I shall carry my duty with diligence, as your one and only husband!" He shouted with a deeper voice.

She rolled her eyes and turned around. "Natsu?"

"Read the air?"

"Yeah."

* * *

 **A/N: And another silly Nalu one-shot! I came up with this story when I randomly found out on Tumblr that eggs could explode, and I immediately thought "Natsu would totally blow up some eggs" x). And yes, the title of this story is a Doctor Who reference, I have to live up to my username sometimes. Please review if you enjoyed it! :)**

 **P.S. Just in case some people didn't know this, "Read the air" is a literal translation of the Japanese expression "Kuuki wo yomu", which can also be translated with "Read the atmosphere". To put it boldly, in most contexts if not all, it means "There's a specific atmosphere. Don't ruin it." In general, when it is used, the one who is told to read the air almost or already ruined it.**


End file.
